beccaelizabeth (beccaelizabeth) wrote,

I need to make a list of things that actually motivate me to actually get out of bed at all.

The fact that I can't think of things to go on this list is a lot of the reason it is pas two in the afternoon, I've been awake since nine ish, and I'm pretty much still in bed.

I mean the rest is the tablet computer and how the internet now never leaves me, but still.

Food would be good at some point too, theoretically.

I am so bored of food though.

And of being ill when I attempt less boring food.

Ugh, this feels like when I try and Think Of Something To Do With My Life After College.
I mean, it has been After College since 2013 and I have yet to think of something to do with my life.
Or write a short story.
Or close read a single episode.
Or do counting of gender in my favourite TV shows.
Or, you know, anything.

I mean you could call this depression but my life is legit so very boring. I aspire to leave the house seven hours a week every week. I thus far only manage it in alternate weeks. And when I get there it's the same people having the same arguments for... many many years. So it could be depression, or it could be an acknowledgement of, you know, my life.

I don't know though, undepressed people with all their favourite things on DVD can probably actually bother to get out of bed and watch them.

I mean, I hear that's a thing.

Things I do in daydreams: recruit team of... currently supervillains, but theoretically superheroes. Aim them at stuff that needs blown up, knocked down, or nicked for the greater good. Use profits to establish advanced science research facility and invent good shit. (Shortcut at this stage if can instead recruit billionaire who already invents good shit.) Use further profits from good shit to build sustainable intentional communities. Campaign for civil rights of oppressed minorities, be that mutants, metahumans, inhumans, non humans, or supernatural creatures. Although the supernaturals tend to be in positions of power already so it's more like negotiating a truce that acknowledges our varying needs. Get the businesses and housing I build set up for the astounding variety of accessibility needs as presented by all these groups. Continue to work towards an integrated society, but secretly prepare for giving up on Earth and colonising another planet, universe, or pocket dimension. Make sure to bring all my friends. Get distracted by choosing long lists of pretty people to join me in my colonisation efforts. Get further distracted by whoever is prettiest today. Fall asleep.

The logical real world correlates of all these things are pretty obvious. Planning sustwinable communities or even just housing for disabled people is a plenty good plan. (... sustwinable was a typo but I like it.) Civil rights for, like, everyone is a good plan.

It's just once it stops being daydream me that does these things I have to account for things in my plan such as my ongoing inability to do things more than two afternoons a week, my need for familiar locations, and my tendency to lose the power of speech in public. It's a little difficult to usefully contribute by being silent two afternoons a week.

So then I loop around to: write some of this stuff as fiction. Make nice inspiring allegory. Hope other people with greater capacity will actually go from feeling vaguely good about having read that to maybe doing some of that useful stuff I can't currently think of.

But then that somehow doesn't happen for yet another day and I spend entire mornings staring at the ceiling or, for variety, the wall.

Well, feeling useless and being down on myself about it certainly isn't helping. I'll go put the computer down and think very hard about actually getting the food this time.

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