beccaelizabeth (beccaelizabeth) wrote,

I need to stay awake another five hours and I've already been up fourteen

I am so bored

And I can't find any note about when the new washer dryer will arrive. I think it was Monday Afternoon and I know they have my address and phone but I have no more precise data.

The old machine will be taken away and the new one installed all proper. I'll have to hope they can figure out how. And then I'll have the fun of figuring out the instructions.

But first, waiting.


My choice of entertainment is not really working for me. It's about dwarfs who build a secret underground place and enslave humans. They say they're dwarfs from another planet. But the description is basically just people with dwarfism and bulging heads, so it's just... why do abled people fear disabled people so much? Writing about them turning around and grinding everyone else down. Ridiculous.

I'm very tempted to just skip to the end and chuck it on the for sale pile.

Poor entertainment isn't how I'm bored though. I'm super bored of being in this house doing nothing meeting no people. I've restored prior regular activities, so I do actually meet whole numbers of people, which is a vast improvement. I just do so for one or two hours on a Thursday and same alternate Wednesdays. Which is not a vast amount of activity to fill a week with.

I don't know, sometimes I think an arranged marriage would be a reasonable option, just because trying to make it work would be something to do.

But then they'd get close enough to maybe mess up my stuff, so, probably not.

Fiction leaves me vastly unsuited for day to day mundanity. Also, like, procrastination and fear. Like, I can dream big, but lack the basic skills to try and do anything of the sorts I dream on, and also fear even trying.

So then I'm really bored.

Obviously I could attempt fixing some of that, I'd just need to pick a reasonable sized dream.

I mean I spend considerable thought on the setup and training required for the Office of Temporal Affairs, the secret time travel branch of fleet chaplaincy, but I'm reasonably certain nobody actually wants my plans for how to use popular culture science fiction texts to teach theoretically classified concepts and introduce the basic concepts, flexibility of thought, and ethical underpinnings required to run something like that, or SHIELD, or Torchwood.

My plans for gamifying odd job swaps are similarly nebulous to the point of uselessness. I mean setting stuff up as side quests or the work of a superhero team would be nifty, but you'd still have the basic problem of accumulating volunteers, finding ones with relevant skills, and security vetting them and their clients.

Actually getting stuff done seems to boil down to a very small group of very practical people who probably know each other and have mostly done volunteer work for halfway to forever anyway and have stellar if specific social skills in addition to the practical turn of mind that can take a general wish to be helpful and channel it into a series of practical steps.

I just kind of sit in my flat and think how its cool some people wear superhero costumes sometimes and wouldn't it be nice to have an excuse to do that more often?

Which is a motivation unlikely to get much rolling, really.

Neither are my thoughts on space colony organisation actually ever any closer to a practical project in intentional housing, on any scale.

Also I know the speed at which I actually get stuff done tends to mean everyone else zooms round several times for my every incremental improvement. I mean much of my to do list is the same as it has been for years. And I still have no idea what I'll do after college, three and a half years after college.

And my most useless tendency is the one where I daydream myself as the protagonist and never get around to seeing if other people already have interesting projects on that I could join. I mean I know I can't do retail or anything involving talking to strange humans or skilled practical work or anything involving getting dirty or... anything I can think of, really, so then I just... don't.

I mean the downside of repeatedly testing as incapable of doing work is one is not in fact capable of doing much of anything interesting.

Except studying, very slowly
and writing, which, well. doesn't even qualify as slow if one is not even vaguely attempting it.

I mean the closest to practical helpful I can really aspire to is to write something interesting enough it makes some reader somewhere try and make the world a bit better, or be nicer to other humans. Which are no small things to aspire to, but do require actually making words all in a row
rather than sitting here being bored

I get so frustrated though at how uphill everything is, when the people already atop the hill often seem to be rolling extra stones down with a vague sense of surprise that this isn't considered helpful by everyone down there.

Daydreaming about yelling at Starfleet captains or SHIELD directors until they see the error of their ways and do things my way is so much more satisfying than the reality of politicians who don't listen and don't care. Though lately said daydreams are more about yelling at supervillains until they're doing it right. I mean, I'm not sure I inherently object to their aspiration to change the leadership, they just make such a mess of it. Conquering the world and trying to make it keep working after you conquer it are just such different skillsets, and someone has to make sure the janitors still get paid a living wage and there's some kind of security guard around with a reasonable expectation of living long enough to get trained. And really, oppressing the masses isn't any way to get the best work out of them, couldn't they just oppress their competitors and let the masses just sort of get on with things?

... so, like the yelling at politicians, but with more superpowers, and at least everyone around the table is aware everyone might kill each other.


Maybe I should try doing some sort of campaigning. There's ways to do it without speaking out loud. Or meeting many strangers.

Most of my daydreams are basically about collecting the people I can actually like and setting up some place I can... not rule as such, I feel being Queen requires social skills quite a lot, but basically rule and guide and make myself the centre of. Sometimes that dream is Starfleet or SHIELD academy, sometimes an actually functioning Star Labs, sometimes it's a kind of eclectic or humanist cathedral, with associated sanctuary network, possibly smuggling mutants or metahumans away to places with a better sentients rights situation, maybe figuring out vastly complex intersections of diverse and sometimes clashing needs from all these many sorts of people.

And all the time it's about me telling everyone when they're doing it wrong and magically turning out to be right because I am boss of the plot.

And we're back to, reasons social isolation and daydreaming don't actually suit one for doing much of anything.

Except writing.

So I should probably get on that.

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